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michaelsalas45 Apr 3, 2017

The Power in “I Don’t Know”

In all therapy, “I Don’t Know” is a difficult answer to work through. At the same time, it’s a common answer of many clients who struggle to understand their own motivation. This is why clients tend to seek out quick advice, and feel very frustrated when they don’t follow it. There is something in their underbelly of their problem, which needs unpacking, and they haven’t yet identified it.

For partners of someone who is dealing with a sexual issue, hearing “I don’t know” can be frustrating. It can cut into hope that the sexual relationship can be saved. It can also seem like avoidance.

The truth is that many people really do not know what has led to sexual dysfunction and low desire. At the same time, they are the only ones who hold the answers. This means that these people have to identify things about themselves that they haven’t identified before.

Therapy can be a prime place to do identify the unseen. All therapy is like having someone help you see what is in a mirror. Sex therapy is no different than this. It can offer a client support through the unknown. With the help of a therapist, clients can work to translate what they see in the mirror. Clients retrace their steps to a time where things felt clearer. They can identify where sex changed for them, and where the barriers began.

Where sex therapy is different than other types of therapy is in the knowledge and skill set of the therapist. Where all therapists can offer a look into a mirror, sex therapists can offer perspective from a sex specific lens. They can help clients built a foundation of sexual understanding. This can offer more sense of the situations.

Increased understanding is the most critical factor in motivation. When people have more understanding, they have a better sense of how they can intervene. They are more likely to be successful, because they have identified their own goals. In sex therapy, motivation can lead to success in relationships and sexual connection. 
Michael J. Salas is a counselor in Dallas, Texas who specializes in relationships and sexuality. Read more about his specialties and counseling perspectives at

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