ACA Blog

When tragedy strikes we often look for answers to make sense of it. The newspapers have been filled with 'why' in response to the Aurora, CO shootings and the Penn State sexual abuse scandals. As counselors, we recognize this as the initial state of grief and despair fueled by painful shock and disbelief. In situations like these, the media often turns to the mental health field for insight into unspeakable acts. As a trauma specialist, I understand the long-term impact of the tragic acts that occurred at Penn State, Columbine High School, Virginia Tech and now Aurora. I cannot profess to understand the perpetuator’s acts, nor in my opinion, can any other mental health professional. We can speculate that perhaps a psychotic break occurred in the psyche of the shooter, or childhood abuses in the case of the Penn State perpetuator were factors. It is however speculation which is risky at best. A mentor of mine commented to me shortly following the Columbine shootings, 'no one wants to lose control'. This universal truth resonates with me but does little to explain the unexplainable.

In the last week, I saw an interesting pattern emerge in two of the families with whom I work. I found that during the play therapy sessions with the children, things were quite status quo. The children played with no signs of anxiety, depression, or any significant content. Yet, when checking in with the parents, they described their children as ‘out of control’, ‘argumentative’ and ‘manipulative’ to say the least. I found this to be far from the truth when compared to how the play sessions went with each. However, I know that parents can evoke very different responses from their children and I have no doubt that what they were seeing in their children was indeed present. So, I asked these parents to give me examples of what they meant by these behaviors. And, sure enough…their descriptive words were in line with their examples!

Last week I had an off-line comment that made me realize that it is important to discuss stereotypes. Thank you Phil, for keeping me on track! There is much stigma associated with being an Appalachian person, and the tag line of last week’s blog inadvertently may have contributed to the continuation of the old stereotypes. For this, my readers, I apologize.

In a few weeks, my wife and I will travel from our Oregon home to Meru, Kenya, where I will be a visiting faculty member at Kenya Methodist University (KeMU) during the September trimester. A clergy friend who has been taking volunteer groups to Kenya for several years made a suggestion to my spouse, Joan, that, “Brooke ought to volunteer at the Methodist University in Meru.”

The more I read and study and think about it, the more convinced I become that studying other cultures, other religions, other ways of thinking and being in the world more often than not compromises my effectiveness as a counselor. I realize that that multicultural awareness is intimately woven into the ACA code of ethics and CACREP requirements and I can get CEU’s for studying such topics. However, since I have never come across anyone else who has questioned this trend, in part I am writing this blog asking for help. What am I missing here?

It is a really strange concept for me to think there is such a thing as being too invested or caring too much. In my life there has always been an internal need to give of myself to those around me. This is not to say that it has always been a rosy jaunt through a garden of appreciation. I have often given to people who could not care less or were blatantly ungrateful. There were also those who just came to expect it. This has led me at times to feel saddened, disappointed, angry or just plain foolish.

So lately I’ve been wrestling with my thoughts on authenticity. It is a concept that is all over the self-help and Positive Psychology arenas (areas that I find myself most comfortable). To me practicing activities that have led to my own personal connection with my authentic self has been a liberating and empowering experience, one that I’ve wanted to incorporate in my work with my clients. This idea of taking off layers and layers of externally imposed masks and becoming aware of our truest thoughts, impulses and desires is something not too far from spiritual to me. Who wouldn’t want to connect with themselves on that level?

“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.” – Alice in Wonderland. As a counselor-in-training I often find myself applying the lessons learned in my most recent class to my life. I will sit and listen to my friends bemoan their troubles for hours and when all has been said my initial response is usually, “Well, did you talk to him/her about it?” More often than not the answer is a flat, “No.” The excuses for why we can never approach one another and simply communicate our issues are endless but the end result is always the same. Nothing is said, nothing is done, and nothing changes.

Most religions have a rendition of “ashes to ashes and dust to dust” to discuss the cycle of life; how we physically came to be and where we go physically when we are done on this great planet of ours. Dust, not much really yet so symbolic; dust is everywhere, it is in everything. We breathe it, we clean it, and we build with it. It really is appropriate that we start and end as it.

How much time is spent being distracted, annoyed, angry, frustrated, or hurt by one’s own personal “shoulds?” Interpersonal strife and personal unhappiness often revolve around conflicting shoulds held sacred by different people. Such as the resentful wife whose husband should, according to her, be more romantic. Or the lonely man reeling from pain of a mother who should have shielded him from the abusive father who should have been kind and loving. What about the disgruntled employee who feels he should have received a promotion? And just consider the world-wide conflicts over differing political and religious shoulds. Are shoulds causing you or your clients discomfort?