Trust is inherent in much of what we do. Faith, whether it being in a deity, person or program can make us feel safe to take giant leaps. A lack of faith can leave us feeling afraid to do even the most trivial thing. What is trust? It would appear that trust is defined differently depending on the circumstance and the person. In general it is a feeling that no matter what happens the source of trust will be there for you no matter what. This source of trust can be viewed as a rock fortress that cannot be broken no matter the wind; it is the constant in your life. Recently I found the theme of lost trust being a part of a lot of what I was doing. People who had lost trust in their employer, spouse, best friend, colleague or medical provider; some who found it easy to lose faith and some who were very much shaken as they rarely found themselves at a point where their faith or foundations were shaken. This latter group can be all the more devastated but both groups can be hard to assist in recovering trust. Often we have heard people say that the only thing that got them through a given stressor was their faith. Organizations that require oaths often mention their faith in their initiations; it is not uncommon to read ancient texts and find lines that discuss the difference between blind or clueless faith and well founded faith. But what is the genesis of faith? What triggers that warm feeling in a person that no matter what is going wrong that they will somehow make it through? I realize that another name for faith, at least in some discussions, could be resiliency but for this discussion I am focusing on what makes a person put complete trust in another, or in a deity, program, country etc. What makes a person willing to enter a war zone and fight for a cause that they may not care about due to trusting or believing in their political leaders or their country? When we put our faith in another person, is it fair or logical? Is it rational to think that another human being can be totally trusted to always treat you fairly, compassionately and without deception? If you do, do you not just set yourself up for an eventual fall? Can anything ever truly be faithful to you all the time? It seems to me that the answer is simple: trust is not defined as never making a mistake. Trust is not defined as always being there nor is it defined as being perfect though many of us define it as such. Would we not be happier if we defined trust and faith (for this discussion they are interchangeable) as believing that they will always try their best to be there for you but recognizing that our definition of always and being there may differ from theirs. Instead of blind faith, why not recognize that when we are dealing with people that they will sometimes fall short of our expectations but that does not always equal betrayal. Yes, we may be saddened or disappointed but does it have to result in feeling betrayed or abandoned? Sometimes people will fail you. Sometimes they do turn their backs on you, sometimes they will “do a Pearl harbor attack” on you but I have found that most times this does not occur, especially if you have chosen wisely in who you put your faith in. Often, once time has passed and pulses have returned to normal we see that betrayal was not in evidence but instead a misjudgment, mistake or difference of opinion took place. What do you do when a client stated that they have lost faith in someone? Do you ask them to explore why? Do you explore what happened, the context, history etc? Do you just agree with them that it stinks and that all is lost so they should rebuild without them? I, like probably most people on this planet have been guilty of putting far too much faith in a person. By that I mean that I built up a few folks to a point that I expected that they would never fail me, that they would never fall short and would always be there for me without fail. When the inevitable occurred and they made a misstep I initially felt the urge to feel betrayed. I felt the desire to be angry and strike back before I reflected on the event. In most cases I realized that the issue was not necessarily all theirs; that I played a role in the situation by putting unreasonable expectations on the person. I was not fair by expecting that they would or could be perfect. When I work with clients who have lost faith, I tend to have them explore the whole situation. Yes, in some situations it is fairly easy to see outright betrayal, but often times it is far murkier. As the US prepares for our Thanksgiving celebrations we could find ourselves conflicted by the premise as well as the execution. Those of us with Native American backgrounds can feel a sense of betrayal due to what “our people” did for the pilgrims and what the pilgrims eventually did to us. I choose instead to acknowledge that our founders were people who did good and were capable of doing bad. I will not defend what they did wrong but I will not condemn them for it either. As people they were capable of doing wrong; we all are. I think of the time, the mindset and the views of the people involved at the time and try to understand why they did what they did. By trying to understand those who have “failed” us we may better understand ourselves. We may grow from it. Have a happy holiday; keep the faith and do what you can to put trust in our fellow man. While they are not gods; they are what we have, so make the best of it.
Warren Corson III (Doc Warren) is a counselor and the clinical & executive director of a community counseling agency in central CT (www.docwarren.org).