One of the great things about our jobs is that if we are paying attention to our clients, they are often teaching us while we attempt to educate them. One of the reasons for this is that we spend so much time listening to our clients and helping them explore options that we are exposed to situations, conditions and things that are beyond our personal lives. Sometimes these situations come far closer to home and we may realize something about ourselves as we help our clients learn more about their lives. What do you do when you are in session and you realize that the client is saying something that you yourself could just as easily talk about? What do you do when that eureka moment arises for both you and your client at the same time? Recently this happened to me. I was working with a client on an issue dealing with interpersonal relations. This person found confusion in a friend’s reaction to their insistence on paying the friend for some work they did on their home. They* told me that their friend was being petty for getting perturbed for always having to accept money for any help they may have given their friend. I helped them explore the friendship and I learned that they often assisted their friend with things and the topic of money never came up. I asked them why it was ok for them to help others for free but it was necessary to pay even friends for any help they gave of items they offered. The client did not have a good response and we began to explore why they felt uncomfortable being the receiver and not the giver. They explored how good they felt when they helped others and I replied that maybe others felt the same way when they tried to help them. It occurred to me that I was a great giver. I have given thousands of hours of my life, a large portion of any money I ever had and made many sacrifices trying to improve the lives of others yet I often squirmed or outright refused to accept when approached with offers of gifts, funds or an extra set of hands on a project. In short I was a hypocrite in a real sense just as my client had been. The session continued as you would expect. Insight was gained, a plan was made and the client began working on increasing their comfort level in being on the receiving end of things. One of the main things was that they would no longer offer money when a friend gave them a hand; they would however agree to pay should the friend request remuneration for work. They left the session with a new sense of direction while I too contemplated was I had discovered in the session. As the days went by I began to think of my personal relationships. I thought of the gifts I had given and how the gifts made me feel. I thought of the reason I had given them as well. They were given with love; they were given with no desire to receive something in return. Many times they were given anonymously as I had no desire for credit or praise. I then thought of when I had received a gift and how uncomfortable I had gotten. I thought of one friend in particular who had given me much over the years but who often was met with my insistence of paying him for his kindness while I continued to give to him. I thought of how I may have made him feel, especially since he has always been a gracious receiver. I thought of my perceptions of him; I have often told him that I felt others had taken advantage of his kindness and as such I would not be one of the people that took from him. This conversation always included me paying him for his kindness. He never complained but in other conversations he would let slip from time to time that “sometimes friends just want to give friends stuff.” It finally set in. He was like me; sure some folks took advantage of him but the majority of them were just good people and it made him feel good to give. I had been wrong about my assessment of him. It took me several days to find my friend in a position where we could talk. I started the conversation by saying that a client had accidently taught me a great deal the other day and I gave him a short overview before telling him that I realized I owed him an apology for not being a good friend when it came to receiving gifts. I told him that I owed him an apology and offered my hand which he took graciously while wearing a Cheshire cat grin. He then proceeded to tell me that he had learned that some people just were not good receivers; he had once been one until he learned himself. He shared a few stories of others who were not good receivers before we made our way back to the tasks at hand. Our clients can make good teachers even when they themselves have not learned the lesson themselves yet. I found a teachable moment not just for my client but for myself. That is one gift I gladly received and one gift I will gladly share with others. *I have changed several key situations, terms the client used and other items so as to ensure privacy.
Warren Corson III (Doc Warren) is a counselor and the clinical & executive director of a community counseling agency in central CT (www.docwarren.org).