I want to thank everyone who has shown me support over the loss of my father. I have been really touched by the support I have received on my blog and via email. Sometimes as a blogger or a small practice professional it is hard to gauge is anyone notices you or pays attention to your work. The ACA family has shown me that it is indeed a family and a supportive one at that. I took most of the week off when my father passed to both mourn and to go to Maine to attend his services. I managed to mourn as expected; tears were plentiful though they would not have collected enough to be called a river. This may have been in part because the trip to Maine never occurred as my father had made it perfectly clear that he did not want any services of any kind, instead he would be cremated and his wife would be in charge of the ashes. As of this writing I am not sure what will become of his ashes but my heart goes out to Rene who is trying to respect her husband’s last wishes while also grieve his loss. His decision not to have any services is not without precedent in my family. My grandfather Cecil made the same decision and simply had his ashes scattered at his favorite fishing hole by a neighbor friend sans ceremony. My Mum (mother) had indicated the same intentions prior to my dad’s non service decision this week. She told me that she had been trying to save her family from having to have services and all the associated pain and expenses but now realized that something needed to be done for the family to be able to have closure. She told me that a small family get together seems appropriate now but she does not want a spectacle. My Mum has never been one for big events and she would not want to start when she passes. I shudder to think of my state when that day comes as she is not just my Mum but also my right hand person here at the office. I have never known a time without her as we have always lived together as an extended family. When I was a really small boy I took a small trip to Milford to spend several days with my great Aunt Dora, her daughter Anne and her grandson Christian. It was less than an hour away but seemed so far. On my return home I was advised that my great grandmother Pearl had passed away while I was away; they did not want to ruin my vacation so they elected to wait till it ended to tell me. I had missed her services. I took the news as best as I could, went to my room and promptly shed a few tears. I remember feeling numb and not having as many tears as I thought I should. When I returned down stairs my Mum checked on me and how I was doing. I told her that I cried some but realized that I was not crying for her but for myself. I was crying for my loss as I knew she was in a better place. We all know how wakes and funerals work. Many of us especially if we have taken classes and training on death and dying know the history and traditions of death and how it is perceived by differing cultures and times. I have attended many services on a personal and professional capacity. I have handed out so much tissue that I may have looked like a representative from Kleenex at times. I have also been to some services where nary was a tear shed and instead a reflection and celebration of the life of the deceased was thrown. I will never pretend to know which is best; it is not for me to decide but I am glad that no matter what is decided so long as there is a way to find closure it is likely the correct one. I will not speak for everyone but for me I feel like the grieving process has been stunted due to the lack of any service. There have been no family gatherings to speak of other than my surviving sister (my eldest sister Wendy passed at age 35), her significant other, my son and his fiancé coming over to show support (which was appreciated), no ceremony, no gatherings and no communal meals. I always found it odd that people would bring the loved ones food until I experienced the total lack of desire to eat or make anything myself. Having it readily available encourages food, communication and healing. The point of this blog is not to seek sympathy, pity or plates of food but hopefully to help at least a few folks who were planning on not having any services to rethink this stance due to the impact on your friends and loved ones. Instead of skipping the normal services please consider having something, anything that you feel will help your loved ones. Remember that though this is about you, you will be gone so in actuality it is about your loved ones and how they will come to terms with your loss. Years ago I had a disagreement with a preacher who told me that family had to have a formal ceremony, burial etc. in order to have closure. I told him that I did not believe that was necessary so long as the family was able to find A way to find closure; it is different for all of us. For instance, years ago a friend took his life. I had worked out with him on many occasions as we both were body builders at the time. I did not attend his services but instead I went to the place that I most associated with him. I dressed in a sweatshirt that we both just happened to own and did an entire full body workout alone. For me not having a spotter or partner that day helped me to come to terms that he was gone and I was alone to carry on in his absence. It was very therapeutic for me and I found closure. When my sister died at age 35 she too did not want any services, though I am not sure how much of this was due to her dying penniless in a financially struggling family. I remember taking a loan out against my home so that we could have her cremated and to have a small ceremony for her. She wanted to be scattered and not liking any of the scatter urns that were available at the time (they were all rectangular with an opening at the top. I remember telling the mortician that my sister was not a box of cornflakes) I proceeded to design and build my own scatter urn for her. She had always loved my woodworking so it seemed fitting. I utilized some wood that was in my late father in laws woodshop and purchased additional wood on credit (I had been laid off a matter of weeks prior to her death so money was especially tight). A few days later she had a custom urn chest made out of solid Cherry, Mahogany, Paduak, Zebra wood and accented with pewter. Following her wishes I scattered her ashes by the rose bush on the family property. There was no one in attendance. (That area is now a memorial garden with benches, privacy and a large plaque that I made out of Purple Heart. The urn is now atop a set of barrister bookcases in my office). I will respect my father’s wishes to a great extent but I will find closure in my own way. I will be approaching the owners of the recreation area that my not for profit uses and is trying to raise funds to purchase, to see if they will allow for the installation of a few benches by the small pond. If permission is granted which I am sure it will, on one of the benches will be a plaque to mark the life and death of the man who gave me life. A small dedication service for the benches will be held. Though he never set foot on the WIP as far as I know the small pond holds significance to me and as this is about my closure, it seems very fitting. We need to think of those who have suffered a loss and try to assist them as we can. Offer non judgmental support and comfort as possible. After all, final services are for the family and not the deceased.
Warren Corson III (Doc Warren) is a counselor and the clinical & executive director of a community counseling agency in central CT (www.docwarren.org).