We have all learned the concept of behavioral therapy that humans are bothered not by things but by their perceptions of them. Even if we are not behaviorally based therapists, we were taught this in our counseling introduction courses. Some of us made it our carrier while others found schools that were more congruent to their lives and personal style. There is no “one” school that holds all the answers. This blog however will focus on one event and the very different perceptions held by two individuals. I hope you find it as fascinating as I did.
As I had written previously, I have been very ill for a month now. Though thankfully I appear to finally be on the mend and I pray that my health continues to improve, I am grateful for the progress that I have made regardless of the many times that I have fallen backwards during the process.
“So, what you are telling me is that you felt a little better so you decided to drive hundreds of miles to see a piece of art that your wife made, one that you watched her make and one that you can see whenever you want once that show is done? When you got there you met an old lady whose husband died years ago and who is likely going to die soon. Then you got sicker and almost ended up in the emergency room and set your health back in the process. Wow, your weekend sucked!” Such was the paraphrased comment I received from a friend recently when he heard of a recent outing. His perception was worlds away from mine and lead to a great conversation on the difference of perception and its effect on our lives which makes our reality.
I replied something like this: “well, your version of events is very dark to me and I would likely feel bad if I saw it this way but thankfully I have a far different take.“ Though he was factual in the series of events, his slant of them could not have been farther apart then mine. You see, to me the weekend had been a great one. My wife was honored to have some of her work accepted to be part of a gallery exhibition in New York at a beautiful art farm (my term) that offered 100+ acres of farmland that had been converted into art trails (4 miles or so), art studios and a gallery. Though far too ill to make the opening, I was feeling healthy enough to attempt the trip to see my wife’s art among those of other great artists. My goal was simple; to view it with her, take a picture of it hanging in the gallery and to get a picture of her with it. I accomplished that goal and it is now a cherished memory. While there we were honored to meet the cofounder of the art guild, a very talented artist that is close to 95 years old and still making art. She shared her story of the founding of the group, the purchase of the land, of her love and life with her late husband and cofounder of the organization. We learned of his becoming a casualty during the great war and of his fight for survival; one that gave him almost an additional fifty years on this earth. We toured her private studio, shared some additional memories and then discussed her need to finally move to assisted living. It was a truly inspiring day.
While it was true that later in the night I had a very bad allergic reaction that almost lead to the emergency room and did necessitate the cancellation of the rest of the weekend, such is life at times: we move forward, we fall back and then we move forward again until we move no more. It is the moving that is most important, at least to me.
When we work with our clients we learn to see things through their eyes. Some of these eyes are clear, open and determined while others are closed, muted or dark. We of course lack the power to remove a bad event from our client’s lives but we do have the power to help them adjust their perceptions. Are they a victim of the event or a survivor? While the event is the same, the perception and thus their reality is far different as is the outcome. Do they see bumps in the road as bumps or do they see them as mountains that cannot be traversed, roadblocks to recovery and harbingers of stagnation?
It’s also important to remember that as professionals we are and will always remain people. As such we will have set backs, we will have health issues and we will make mistakes. So long as we live on the level, so long as we offer square and honest deals and services, so long as we continue to try to make a positive difference our impact on this earth when we meet our grant architect of this world of ours, we can do so with contentment instead of disdain.
We all need reminders at times and I got mine in the form of a barely five foot, nearly ninety-five year old woman who though she knew her time was nearing the end, held no ill will or regret. She told me her story as people often do, but she did so as if she was telling a story of a great beginning, a new era instead of a bygone day. I hope I can one day offer such sage guidance, just as I hope the same for all of you reading this. Perception is key. While my friend viewed a negative course of events, it was a powerful memory that I hope to keep for many years to come.
To al the US readers, have a happy and safe 4th of July. Please remember what we are celebrating, its importance and those who gave the ultimate sacrifice so that we may enjoy the day.
Warren Corson III (Doc Warren) is a counselor and the clinical & executive director of a community counseling agency in central CT (www.docwarren.org).