If only I could place bets on the comments I get from people who have just heard about my upcoming deployment* to Afghanistan! I’d put my money on some variation of, “I heard they’re making you go” or “so you have to go overseas, huh?” and make some serious cash. Just this past week I was in Arkansas for a family wedding when my cousin Brenda was the first to convey her sympathy in my “having to go” to Afghanistan. I replied with my typical light-hearted correction: “No, I get to go. I volunteered for the assignment and I’m really excited about what I’ll be doing there!”

For members of the military, assumptions that we don’t want to be deployed and that we are being forced to do so are so common that we anticipate them. Typically we decide to go with the flow just to appear “normal” and to avoid being thought of as a freak. We may reply (accompanied by a somber facial expression), “I know. It will be difficult but it’s my duty” or “there’s nothing I can do--they’re making me go.” I’ve even known people who respond this way in order to receive sympathy or attention. But here’s a well-kept secret among Troops*: sometimes they search for overseas positions for themselves, volunteer when they could get out of the duty, and many times even look forward to deploying. For most Troops there is even a specific amount of time they are not allowed to be deployed once they’ve returned from a tour, yet they waive that right in order to go sooner. And contrary to popular belief, if a Troop really wants to get out of a deployment, there are many ways—just ask any of the high-ranking Soldiers with empty Velcro on the upper part of one of their ACU* sleeves. If you see this it means they’ve somehow not served a combat area (either directly or indirectly) in almost a decade…hmm…

Do situations exist where a Troop does not want to go on a deployment? Absolutely. Are there times when a Troop has thoughts of “Oh my gosh, what did I get myself into? Why did I sign up for this?” Absolutely. But let’s not assume this is always the case.

I’m just pointing out that how a client truly feels is an important part of a therapeutic conversation about an upcoming deployment (or even a previous one). To phrase a comment about this key event in a negative or presumptuous way can possibly create disconnect and even a misunderstanding gap between a military client and his or her non-military therapist. Something as simple as tone can be more detrimental to rapport than you might initially think, plus will likely limit client response.

I know the feeling I get in my stomach when it is obvious someone doesn’t “get” why I choose to stay in the Army. I notice confusion in their eyes and sympathy in their voice. It can feel like disapproval of my lifestyle. I often feel like I have to either a) appease them by “realizing” it’s not a good idea and I should be scared or b) I have to explain and convince them of why I don’t think things are so bad.

It’s easy to imagine how a client might feel misunderstood and separate from his therapist who wears a somber expression and says, “Oh…so I see your unit is sending you back to Iraq for the third time…” if he is actually kinda looking forward to going.

It is important to keep in mind that while a deployment may bring negative stressors to your client’s life, it also may mean positive things as well to the client such as a promotion, a chance to put education to practice, or recognition of expertise.

I urge fellow counselors to phrase their questions or prompts in ways that are more neutral—this will be more likely to put the Troop at ease and will more honesty reveal what the deployment means to him/her. Depending on client response, the therapist can go from there and share in either the excitement or the dread.

If nothing else, you may just gain respect from your client by surprising him/her with an atypical “civilian” response. But as we all know, it’s often the “little things” in our sessions that often count in creating that irreplaceable support our clients may need.

*Military Translation Guide: Deployment-refers to an active-duty military assignment to a place other than the normal assignment. This does not necessarily mean overseas or a set time period, but most often indicates an overseas tour of duty lasting between 6 and 18 months. Troops-an all-inclusive term to describe members of any branch of the military. It’s important to Troops not to be mistaken for another branch. In particular, a Marine will likely be insulted if you call him/her a Soldier or a Sailor. ACU-stands for Army Combat Uniform. This is the digital camouflage print duty uniform for Soldiers.

Natosha Monroe is an Army Reserve Mental Health Specialist working at the Pentagon. She is a counselor and PhD candidate passionate about increasing Troop access to counseling services. Her blog contents are not representative of the Army or Department of Defense in any way.