from the American Counseling Association
sponsored by the ACA Foundation

Having more than one child in your family almost guarantees disagreements, arguments and competition between the kids, at least sometimes. Your children may love one another, but disagreements between siblings still happen and still drive most parents crazy.

It's called "sibling rivalry" and its roots are probably buried in our prehistoric ancestors when surviving often meant you had to be number one in your parents' eyes. Today, actual survival isn't the issue, but staying number one in the parents' minds still is.

Young children often feel threatened when a sibling is born. They see parental love as limited and finite, but suddenly there's someone new to love, meaning less love for the older child.

It's not an irrational fear. A new baby is usually the center of attention and, out of necessity, takes up more of the parents' time. The older child probably feels he or she is suddenly less important and probably starts to misbehave to win back more attention.

The cure for that problem is to demonstrate to your children that you love them all. Simply saying it has no real affect. But when you set aside some "special time" for the older child, offer your unfocused attention, and give plenty of hugs and reassurances, you're demonstrating your love and overcoming that sense of feeling threatened.

As children get older, it stops being jealousy over parental love, and is replaced by competition is for parental attention. Siblings may compete to have better grades, be better in sports, or demonstrate better musical or artistic skills.

That's often a good thing, leading to higher levels of accomplishment, if kept under control. While you want to praise a higher-achieving child, this shouldn't be at the expense of siblings. If one child is always "winning," you may want to tip the scales slightly and give the other child extra attention and time.

But competition can get out of hand, threatening family peace and harmony, and possibly doing physical or emotional harm to one or the other child. That's when help is needed.

School counselors are often excellent sources of advice on excessive levels of sibling rivalry. A counseling professional specializing in children and families could also help.

While a little friendly sibling competition can sometimes be a good motivator, don't let it destroy family peace and happiness. As a parent, if you work to be fair with your love and attention, you may find sibling rivalry can disappear.

"The Counseling Corner" is provided as a public service by the American Counseling Association, the nation's largest organization of counseling professionals. Learn more about the counseling profession at the ACA web site, www.counseling.org.